motherhood

My child turned three, but I feel like I'm newly born

in , , ,
My child turned three, but I feel like I'm newly born

I’ve never understood why we don’t celebrate the mothers on their child’s birthday.

We are constantly being reborn.

We are teaching ourselves something new and it’s our first time, just as it is our child’s.

Yesterday was spent celebrating our child, Maeve. This little being is the most special human I’ve ever met (yes, I know, every parents says this). But, she spreads joy everywhere she goes. Strangers can’t help but smile and talk to her.

It was bittersweet. I love watching her grow and become her own self, but damn it’s hard. Knowing that we will never be in this stage with her again hurts.

I haven’t been big on birthdays since I’ve been an adult. So much of the magic has faded and a lot of it feels like I’m just going through the motions.

Read More

The Weight of Finality

in ,
The Weight of Finality

I have always had a relationship with finality.

I remember being a child and watching one of my favorite show’s series finale. It felt heavy. Everything was tied up with a bow, but I didn’t feel happy. I knew that I would never see another new episode. I knew that these people weren’t real, but their lives and their stories felt real. It was as if they were growing alongside me and their failures and triumphs were my own.

The show ended and the actors came out on stage (back then it was filmed in front of a live audience). They were all holding hands and they took several bows. Some of them were crying. They were hugging and talking to each other. Obviously, we couldn’t hear what they were saying as we watched them on our bulky tvs. But, I imagined they were saying what we would say in real life, saying what should have been said the whole time and not just at “goodbye”.

It’s somewhat like an obituary. We say all of the most meaningful and heartfelt things after someone has passed. We feel it so deeply because we know we’ll never be able to say those words to them. We hold out hope that somehow they can hear us and that they knew it all along, even if left unsaid while living.

I’m not leaving anything unsaid.

Here is my obituary to myself before I became a mother. She has died, yes, but part of her still lives and I want her to know how much I love her and appreciate her sacrifice.

Read More

Surrendering What "Could" Be In Motherhood

in ,

I've been fighting motherhood since Maeve was born. I have a hard time letting go of control. There is something so hard about surrendering your thought of how parenthood "would" be.

But, the other side has been incredibly beautiful.

It's not Maeve's responsibility to inspire my growth, but she has just by her sheer existence. I'm facing hard truths about myself and areas I need to stretch and improve upon. This is the work I should have been putting in long before I had a child, simply to become a better person. But, I wasn't. She pushes me to see my areas of weakness and make them into the strongest parts of me.

I never realized how resilient I can be until the process of becoming pregnant and everything that has followed.

She's also made me the best version of an artist to date. I've always served mothers, but now it goes much deeper. The way I can empathize and strive to give them an experience that will mean more as the years go by. This time in our lives is all about survival and my mission is to give mothers a few moments of breath...a few moments of letting go of control and expectations.

"I feel there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people: - Van Gogh

Little girl in dress, running into the ocean waves during a colorful sunrise