My child turned three, but I feel like I'm newly born

December 17, 2024 in maternity, boudoir, Personal, family

I’ve never understood why we don’t celebrate the mothers on their child’s birthday.

We are constantly being reborn.

We are teaching ourselves something new and it’s our first time, just as it is our child’s.

Yesterday was spent celebrating our child, Maeve. This little being is the most special human I’ve ever met (yes, I know, every parents says this). But, she spreads joy everywhere she goes. Strangers can’t help but smile and talk to her.

It was bittersweet. I love watching her grow and become her own self, but damn it’s hard. Knowing that we will never be in this stage with her again hurts.

I haven’t been big on birthdays since I’ve been an adult. So much of the magic has faded and a lot of it feels like I’m just going through the motions.

Art Is Inherently Selfish

December 04, 2024 in boudoir, art, Personal

I talk a lot about my journey into boudoir.

How it started from a place of darkness and loneliness in my own life. A place of feeling invisible.

Photographing women, giving them a chance to feel seen and have a holistic experience, tricked my brain into thinking that I could give that back to myself. And, it worked.

It gave me the strength to make the changes I needed in my life to get to a place of wholeness and growth. Their bravery was a domino effect and mine soon followed. Okay, maybe a couple of years later, but it still followed and I know that these women had a lot to do with it. How could they not? By creating art with them, our stories were intertwined. I couldn’t tell my story without them and vise versa.

This leads me to my feelings on art being inherently selfish.

Redefining the Value of Creativity - An Interview with Sean Low and Shannon Griffin

November 04, 2024 in art, boudoir, family, Personal

I was asked to guest-host one of my favorite podcasts, The Motherhood Anthology. This is a group I hold close to my heart and one that I have mentored in numerous times. Kim, the owner, is an amazing human as well as a talented artist. She is someone I’ve grown to love over the years, so when she asked if I would not only be a mentor, but also guest-host her podcast, I jumped at the chance.

I chose Sean Low for this episode. He’s someone that I’ve looked to for inspiration for the last few years.

I talk about Sean often to those I mentor. He is the one that inspired me to create my process, with clients, around building trust and tension. You can read about that here.

I can sum Sean up in one of his own quotes: “A creative business is when you get paid to get lost.” This is the way he sees the world and why I believe every artist, who truly wants to make a living while creating, should listen to him.

The Weight of Finality

October 11, 2024 in Personal, boudoir

I have always had a relationship with finality.

I remember being a child and watching one of my favorite show’s series finale. It felt heavy. Everything was tied up with a bow, but I didn’t feel happy. I knew that I would never see another new episode. I knew that these people weren’t real, but their lives and their stories felt real. It was as if they were growing alongside me and their failures and triumphs were my own.

The show ended and the actors came out on stage (back then it was filmed in front of a live audience). They were all holding hands and they took several bows. Some of them were crying. They were hugging and talking to each other. Obviously, we couldn’t hear what they were saying as we watched them on our bulky tvs. But, I imagined they were saying what we would say in real life, saying what should have been said the whole time and not just at “goodbye”.

It’s somewhat like an obituary. We say all of the most meaningful and heartfelt things after someone has passed. We feel it so deeply because we know we’ll never be able to say those words to them. We hold out hope that somehow they can hear us and that they knew it all along, even if left unsaid while living.

I’m not leaving anything unsaid.

Here is my obituary to myself before I became a mother. She has died, yes, but part of her still lives and I want her to know how much I love her and appreciate her sacrifice.

SSRIs Saved Me As a Mother - Boca Raton Family Photographer

August 26, 2024 in maternity, Personal, boudoir

This photograph, of me, will always be my favorite from that time.

This is so much of what motherhood has felt like to me. Everything is a foggy memory because I was in constant fight or flight. Something that might seem like a normal inconvenience would send me into a full spiral. I would look around at other mothers and say, “How are you enjoying this? Why did you choose to have another baby and do this to yourself all over again? What’s wrong with me? Am I ever going to enjoy motherhood?”

I wasn’t someone who fell in love with her baby right when they put her on my chest. It took me almost two years to feel that for her. Yes, I had love for her and would do anything for her, but she felt like a stranger to me. I couldn’t let her in because I was actively fighting motherhood every day.