The Weight of Finality

October 11, 2024 in Personal, boudoir

I have always had a relationship with finality.

I remember being a child and watching one of my favorite show’s series finale. It felt heavy. Everything was tied up with a bow, but I didn’t feel happy. I knew that I would never see another new episode. I knew that these people weren’t real, but their lives and their stories felt real. It was as if they were growing alongside me and their failures and triumphs were my own.

The show ended and the actors came out on stage (back then it was filmed in front of a live audience). They were all holding hands and they took several bows. Some of them were crying. They were hugging and talking to each other. Obviously, we couldn’t hear what they were saying as we watched them on our bulky tvs. But, I imagined they were saying what we would say in real life, saying what should have been said the whole time and not just at “goodbye”.

It’s somewhat like an obituary. We say all of the most meaningful and heartfelt things after someone has passed. We feel it so deeply because we know we’ll never be able to say those words to them. We hold out hope that somehow they can hear us and that they knew it all along, even if left unsaid while living.

I’m not leaving anything unsaid.

Here is my obituary to myself before I became a mother. She has died, yes, but part of her still lives and I want her to know how much I love her and appreciate her sacrifice.

SSRIs Saved Me As a Mother - Boca Raton Family Photographer

August 26, 2024 in maternity, Personal, boudoir

This photograph, of me, will always be my favorite from that time.

This is so much of what motherhood has felt like to me. Everything is a foggy memory because I was in constant fight or flight. Something that might seem like a normal inconvenience would send me into a full spiral. I would look around at other mothers and say, “How are you enjoying this? Why did you choose to have another baby and do this to yourself all over again? What’s wrong with me? Am I ever going to enjoy motherhood?”

I wasn’t someone who fell in love with her baby right when they put her on my chest. It took me almost two years to feel that for her. Yes, I had love for her and would do anything for her, but she felt like a stranger to me. I couldn’t let her in because I was actively fighting motherhood every day.

The Gift of Boudoir - Boca Raton Boudoir Session

July 10, 2024 in boudoir, art

“My photographs are on our bedroom wall, so I have seen them countless times since they have been hung, but every time I look at the pictures, I am still in awe that it is really me in them. I feel beautiful and sexy looking at them, but ironically, it is actually more of a daily reminder to myself to look internally as much as externally. When I look internally, these photographs make me feel empowered and I remind myself that I am capable, that I can do things outside of my comfort zone, and that I can have self- acceptance and self-compassion, because despite all my imperfections (as a wife, mother, and just person) - I am enough.”

The Art of Noticing

June 05, 2024 in boudoir

My favorite part of what he wrote was, “Being creative begins with noticing what others have overlooked.”

When I became a mother I felt incredibly overlooked and isolated. My entire pregnancy was spent being fawned over, making sure I was okay, doctors checking on me, etc. After I had my daughter it was no longer about my health, my needs, my wants, or my mental health. Even women who aren’t mothers are often overlooked and the ones who take care of everyone else in their lives.

My promise with each woman I photograph is that I’m going to bring them into the light. There is no more hiding. There is no more telling yourself that your family comes first and you’ll stay in the shadows.

Is it uncomfortable? ABSOLUTELY!

Is it necessary for growth? YES!

My "Why" of photographing Boudoir is ever evolving

May 05, 2024 in boudoir

Art has a way of healing and that’s been the common thread throughout my years of this work. While my reasons for being passionate about it might change and take new shape, my voice has always been for women. We need places to go where we feel seen. We need others to tell our stories so that we don’t get lost. We need gifts of silence in the day-to-day chaos. We deserve pockets of refuge in this vast existence.