I used to think that having a child would be the death of me.
In a way, it was.
Read MoreMy daughter was the death of the weakest parts of me and the birth of the strongest
Personal
What I'm Telling Myself is, "I'm not worthy"
What I was telling myself is, “I’m not worthy”.
I spend so much of my life helping others feel worthy and yet, it feels impossible to give that to myself.
I’ve missed out on networking events, time with friends and family, and celebrations because of how I look.
Read MoreSurrendering What "Could" Be In Motherhood
I've been fighting motherhood since Maeve was born. I have a hard time letting go of control. There is something so hard about surrendering your thought of how parenthood "would" be.
But, the other side has been incredibly beautiful.
It's not Maeve's responsibility to inspire my growth, but she has just by her sheer existence. I'm facing hard truths about myself and areas I need to stretch and improve upon. This is the work I should have been putting in long before I had a child, simply to become a better person. But, I wasn't. She pushes me to see my areas of weakness and make them into the strongest parts of me.
I never realized how resilient I can be until the process of becoming pregnant and everything that has followed.
She's also made me the best version of an artist to date. I've always served mothers, but now it goes much deeper. The way I can empathize and strive to give them an experience that will mean more as the years go by. This time in our lives is all about survival and my mission is to give mothers a few moments of breath...a few moments of letting go of control and expectations.
"I feel there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people: - Van Gogh
Where Is My Village | Postpartum Depression
When there were villages was postpartum depression as prevalent? We feel we have to preface every complaint with, “I love my child, BUT…” It’s out of fear of judgement, or hell, fear of saying how hard this is out loud and admitting that we don’t know how or when it will get better. We weren’t designed to live this way. Maeve was designed to have many sisters and brothers, in a village. My husband and I were designed to have others around us who told the same stories and helped us look after our little love. I don’t know the solution, but I write all of this because I don’t know where else to put it at times. I write all of this because I know we could fill so many villages full of people who are out there, crying, because they don’t have a village.
Read MoreI'm a Pessimist, But I Don't Want To Be
I'm a pessimist.
It's plagued me my entire life.
I've always thought, "I'm just never going to look at the world in a positive light. I'm always going to be negative and assume the worst."
I'm sure it's contributed to my (at times) crippling anxiety and (at times) depression.
I've been listening to podcasts about the studies on optimism and pessimism and it's been nothing short of eye-opening and inspiring.
They are learning that while it can be an inherited outlook, you can actually train yourself to be more optimistic.
The Happiness Lab has an interview with psychologist Marty Seligman (a self-proclaimed pessimist) on his studies on what makes people happy. He's quite literally changed his thinking to be optimistic.
Why am I writing this? I'm writing this because I know I'm not the only one who suffers from a debilitating mindset that affects everyone around you, including your family. I know that I'm not the only one who wishes that everything hard that happens isn't "the end of the world" or "worst thing ever".
I know I'm not the only one who has cried actual tears over the way their brain works, but hasn't wanted to know the actual answer of if it can be fixed because what if the answer is, "This is just who you are"?
I'm finding that it doesn't have to be. I can nurture the things that are good in my life and the strengths that I posses, instead of nurturing what brings me pain.
The first photo of me pregnant shows what motherhood has felt like for the most part.
The second photo is how I long to feel most days.
I'm going to nurture the good in my life so that I can be more of the woman in that second photograph. I deserve it.
