I'm Writing This Because I Have To

I’m writing this because I have to.

I’m writing this because yesterday I spent 30 minutes in my car, in the grocery store parking lot, crying and unable to move from my seat.

I’m writing this because the last two weeks consisted of me struggling to get out of bed and some days, I didn’t.

I’m writing this because the past 5 weekends were spent photographing people’s joyous occasions and I didn’t feel any of it.

I’m writing this because I spend most of my days alone, beating myself up because I’m the only one to blame if my business fails.

I’m writing this because I know that I really have no reason to be so sad, but I am.

I’m writing this because I know I’m privileged to have a career that allows me to stay in bed all day, if that’s what I feel I need. And yet, I’m still sad.

I’m writing this because I have every tool that I need to succeed, but I struggle to find the energy and will to get there.

I’m writing this because I feel shame and guilt for complaining when SO MANY PEOPLE have it SO MUCH WORSE.

I’m writing this because the countless “you’re too expensive” or “we found someone cheaper” or “we don’t want to pay that for photography” drown out the amazing “you’re worth the investment” or “we’ve been saving up the last 2 years to have a session with you” or “I’m crying because this is the most amazing experience I’ve ever had”.

I’m writing this because my business is doing better in the last two years than it did in the first 8, yet, I still struggle to put a smile on my face.

I’m writing this because I realize I put all of my value and worth on my business. If I don’t book something I feel like a failure. When I do book something, I feel like nothing can touch me. I check my emails an obsessive amount. I work while on vacation. I make sure to email back within 10 minutes of receiving the email because I know they could go with someone else.

I’m writing this because I wonder how much of me wanting to be successful in my business has been the reason for pushing the idea of children or a family out of my heart.

I’m writing this because I FEEL SO MUCH PRESSURE.

I’m writing this because I know the pressure I put on myself is my own doing, and yet I can’t escape it.

I’m writing this because I saw another business owner who is struggling right now.

I’m writing this because her post made me feel less alone.

I’m writing this because I’m not the only one, laying in my bed…unable to get up.

I’m writing this because I need other people to know that I’m okay ONLY because other people have talked about mental health and their struggles.

I’m writing this because maybe one more person will feel less alone.

I’m writing this because I want to break the stigma (even if it’s just in my own head) that if I talk about depression and anxiety, it makes me less able to be in a high-end market.

I’m writing this because even though we are creatives, it doesn’t mean that we are meant to suffer and live in our depression.

I’m writing this because I need to read my own words and remember that I will come out on the other side of this.

I’m writing this because I have to.

Photos taken of me by the amazing Beth Morgan during a particularly dark time in my life. Beth, thank you for giving me this gift.