I haven’t been sleeping.
Yesterday I laid in my bed for a long time, just looking at the wall. Unable to put my thoughts into words when Matt asked me if I was okay.
“No, I’m not okay” is what my entire body wanted to say, but I just shook my head and whispered, “yes.”
I don’t want to keep putting this depression on him. He’s right there fighting beside me, so I don’t need to then put my own sadness back on him.
People told me this is what was going to happen when I finally stepped out of my own privilege and woke up to what was really happening around me. I truly believe I’m going through the grieving process.
Denial.
I’ve been here for 37 years. I was never registered to vote before Trump ran. It took me 33 years to decide it was important enough for me to step in that booth. Why? Because I would say things like, “I don’t trust any politician so why would I vote?” or “It doesn’t really affect me”. To be honest, there are still major parts that don’t affect me. I have to worry about things like business taxes and health insurance costs, but not my life. I can afford my name brand thyroid medication. I can afford the $570 I pay for shit health insurance. I’ve always said, “I don’t care how much I’m taxed if that money goes where it should”, but didn’t think twice about the fact that I was blindly letting the wrong people decide by not voting. I wasn’t talking to my black friends or community about where they were hurting the most and how I could help. Complete denial because it just didn’t affect me.
Anger.
I’m angry. So angry. Angry at the world, angry at the people who don’t speak up for their community (I didn’t because my old community all looked like me, so why would I care?), and angry at myself for being in denial for so long. I had the resources, I just didn’t want to do the homework. Lazy. Lazy and complacent. Not a good ally. Hell, not a good person.
Bargaining.
I’m feeling this one because I’m still selfish. I’m still centering myself. “If only I would have gotten out of denial sooner, I could have made a change.” or “If only I would have opened my eyes and done something about it, now it’s just too much. I can’t handle it anymore.” This stage isn’t going to do anyone any good, but damnit if I’m not swimming in this stage right now.
Depression.
Oh yeah, I’m here. I’ve had an awakening in me like nothing I’ve ever felt before. There is a fire in my belly and purpose in my heart. I’m having hard conversations with family and friends. I’m reading, watching movies, and talking to black people about things I just never opened my eyes to before. With that comes a LOT of shame, loss, and depression. I’m not sleeping. I haven’t been working on anything photography related in 2 weeks. I’m in a weird area of numbness and feeling every bit of blood rush through my veins. I’m working on mindfulness so that I can get out of this space and continue to fight, but also allowing myself to sit in this complete and udder AWFULNESS. I need to feel it. I need to hurt. I need to feel shame. I need to live this for a while.
Acceptance.
Acceptance in the fact that I will lose people along the way and I will lose part of myself, my comfort, and my denial. But, also acceptance that I WILL NOT accept the way it was and still is in our corrupt system. I will keep fighting, I will keep doing better, I will keep messing up and learning from those mistakes, I will keep listening, I will be more inclusive, I will hold my brothers and sisters up, I will give my money to these causes, I will better my community, I will not walk away from uncomfortable situations, I will not stay silent, I will help build a better world.
It feels strange to get back to my photography business. It will feel strange tomorrow, when I post photos of my clients being happy when I know so many of us are reeling inside. But, I also realize that without my business, without the thing that brings in my income and keeps me passionate and focused, I won’t be the best that I can be for my community. I’m feeling lost, but I’m also hopeful that this has brought a change so deep inside of me that there is no turning back, especially in my business. To be more inclusive and see things that I never saw before. I will continue to elevate black artists and tell the stories of all of my clients. I will post new resources to build the black community, sprinkled in with my work.
Until we are equal, this is on all of us. Let’s work on a more beautiful and just world.
